Fifty Pieces of Grey



Sarah Jane never read Fifty Shades of Grey—the medication she had to take for her psychotic attacks made letters look like small, black, wiggling worms—but she bought all the books in the series and kept them by her bed. She believed they were the most truthful books ever written. Women wanted to be submissive. Sarah Jane wanted to be submissive. She just couldn’t find anyone to be submissive to.


After she was released from the mental ward, she kept on looking, but sadistic billionaires proved hard to find. Perhaps they were all sadists, but Sarah Jane couldn’t get herself employed by a plain billionaire either. She wrote to E. L. James for advice and maybe even some tips on submissiveness, but her email never got a response.


That’s when she remembered what her roommate in the psychiatric ward had said about BDSM forums—they existed. And so Sarah searched them. In no time she found a guy who worked at JC Penney, and he was a sadist all right. He spanked her; he beat her with a paddle and took away her minimum wages from her fast food job. Sarah loved it. But soon Derek started neglecting the spanking. He wanted to drink beer with his friends instead. Shocked, Sarah reasoned with him—what kind of a sadist was he if he wasn’t beating his submissive? Derek started avoiding her.


And this Sarah couldn’t take.


So one day when Derek came from work, she hit him on the head with a hammer, cut him into small pieces, wrapped them in saran wrap, and put them in the freezer. Then she started looking for her next sadist.